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Story Saturday – The Arlons

Posted by on March 23, 2013

Hey guys! Here’s the followup to my story! Follow the posts using this label if you’re interested :)

“She should be waking up now.” A woman’s voice says. My eyes flutter open against my will and bright light fills my vision. Fragments of memories come rushing back and I remember with dread what I have done. Bile piles up in my throat and Faye’s face enters my line of sight.

“You okay? Cause you went all bonko back there,” she whispers. I nod and she moves away. I struggle to sit up and a lady in a dark cloak props me up against the pillows. I’m on a cot with bottles of potions surrounding me, but in front of me, is the last person I want to see right now. The Keeper. And like a beacon of light in darkness, a concerned Darius standing beside her, his face grim.

I want to say something but my throat is dry and I can’t get anything out. Darius comes next to me and hands me a glass of water. The water is sweet and soothing, but still that doesn’t really comfort me.

“What happened?” I ask, although I know what happened, I still wanted to make sure it wasn’t just my mind making it up.

“You tried to kill me.” The Keeper says, her tone isn’t forgiving or gentle. Her stare is enough to freeze a person. Darius sighs and glances at the Keeper.

“An Arlon took control of you and managed to make you attack her.” He looks at the Keeper again.

“You’re going to stay here for another day. In the meantime, I will tell you why the Arlons want you. You can attend to your classes now Faye.” The Keeper says, she moves over to the side of my cot and Darius pulls a chair over. She looks like this will be a big waste of her time. I glance helplessly at Faye who shoots me a look that says she’s sorry as she closes the door softly behind her.

“The Arlons can’t fight without bodies can they? That is why take control of certain humans, mainly the weak. They steal human souls and therefore, their bodies. That is the only way they can win this ancient war.” I wonder what this has to do with me, but I keep my mouth shut.

“They are very few who can hear them. Your blood is different from regular humans, and using your blood, they can take solid forms. They can take any form they want, which is what they almost accomplished today, Dove.” I don’t like how she says my name, as though it’s some kind of disease. “Getting a solid form is easier than possessing, and at the same time, it will make them stronger.”

“You can per-“ The Keeper stops when the door swings open and a man walks in.

“You’re needed on the grounds, ma’am. Someone spotted a shadow, they swore it was an Arlon,” the man says and my pulse quickens. The Keeper nods as if it is no more than a misbehaving student.

“Station more guards around the school. The Arlons are getting stronger. We will continue our discussion later, Dove.” With that she leaves the room in two brisk steps. Only after she leaves do I realize that I wanted to hear what she has to say, very, very badly. 

Copyright Asma Faizal

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3 comments

  1. Love it! The copy editor in me says, in paragraph 8, add a comma after bodies, and then add “they” –that is why they take . . . Sentence 3 another comma after and — and, therefore, . . .

    But that is all mechanics. In terms of what really counts, there is good suspense, a good voice for the main character. A villain who is imposing but not too evil–yet? Looking forward to more story!

  2. Hi Asma :)

    I like how Faye is right there in the mix when Dove wakes up. For some reason, for me, I think the first paragraph's last line needs to be moved to the beginning of para 2. It goes better with Faye anyway, and separates para #1 from being too much info too quickly.

    2nd para, the comma after “me” threw me off.

    4th paragraph, you're in present tense, and then it says “still wantED”, needs to be “want”'; then “isn't” just making it up.

    I personally would do a period after “the Keeper says” in para 5. Also, as you're already speaking about her, you can simply say Darius glances at “her” instead of “the Keeper”.

    “An Arlon took control of you…” I'm not completely sure who's speaking. If it's Darius, perhaps you can move the “Darius sighs and glances” down to the next paragraph:

    Darius sighs and glances at the Keeper. “An Arlon took control of you and managed to make you attack her.” He looks at the Keeper again.

    “You're going to stay here for another day.” The Keeper says. “In the meantime…” rest of what she says, then: She moves…

    Regarding “she looks like this will be a waste of her time”, you have awesome description skills, girly, so tell me why. Why does she look this way? Is she fidgety? Looking at the clock? Distracted? Does she breathe out an annoyed sigh?

    That is why “they” (word missing) take control… If that para is the Keeper speaking, it would be best to put the “I wonder” line in a new para and then start the Keeper speaking again as you have it already in a new para.

    Again, use your descriptive skills and tell the reader something about her face or a twitch or something that gives Dove the impression that the Keeper has said her name like it's a disease. Maybe she spits it out. I know you'll come up with a good way to explain it.

    As you have the man speaking on the “You're needed on the grounds…” and Dove talking about her reaction at the same time, throw “the man says” in a little sooner to break it up. “You're needed on the grounds, ma'am.” He says. “Someone…” Then throw the pulse and Keeper reaction in there.

    Last line: “Only after she leaves do I realize how very, very badly I wanted to hear what she had to say.”

    I have one complaint. Once a week TAKES TOO LONG TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!!! :) I would like to know why her blood is different. Will we get to find out more about that? I think maybe she mentioned it at the beginning, but being as that was a few weeks ago, I can't remember.

    I am also getting a cool picture of the Keeper in my head. I want to know more about Dove, and Darius. I like where you're going with everything, and I'm curious… is there a way to kill/defeat Arlons when they're NOT in “solid form”? These are the things going through my head as I read, along with wondering if something big is going to go down soon with Dove and another attack (like in the classroom last week) again.

    Keep it up! Everything's coming together nicely. Can't wait to read the next part. :)

    Jessica <3

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